Our church recently walked through biblical roles in the church and home, but the messages may have left you wondering about those in homes that are not ideal. “Not ideal” may mean one spouse has passed, left, or is present but absent. “Not ideal” might be living in the reality of an angry child or spouse, possibly with more needs than usual. How do gender roles work in a setting like that?
The Bible is not silent on disfunctions in families. David’s son tried to have him killed. Jacob had two wives who continued to rival one another, both in their lives and in the lives of their children. God understands sin and fractures in the home in a way that none of us can possibly understand. Let this short blog encourage you in your journey of pursuing Christ and comfort you, knowing that those in leadership have your situations in mind and prayer.
What if my spouse doesn’t love God?
This is not uncommon. Though God gives the condition to not marry someone who is unequally yoked, it doesn’t stop it from happening. Possibly, they seemed to love God, or perhaps both of you were lost and you later came to faith. If this is your circumstance, how do you seek to fulfill your role or take on that of your spouse? Above all, love God well. If you are a wife with an unbelieving spouse, your children and spouse will know that you love God. God affirms this in His Word:
1 Peter 3:1–2 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, [2] when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”
Ladies, if your spouse does not love God, you are the primary vessel of Good News to live out the gospel before your family. The same is true for the man who has an unbelieving wife. In addition, invite people into your life to pray for the salvation of the highest earthly love that is expressed in a marriage. Desire that your spouse would love God.
What if my spouse is absent or angry?
It may feel like God does not care or that he has overlooked your situation and focused on others. Tough times cause us to question God and his plan. But consider Jeremiah the prophet who was commissioned to preach and call for repentance and was told this:
Jeremiah 7:27 “So you shall speak all these words to them, but they will not listen to you. You shall call to them, but they will not answer you.”
This seems like an odd calling from God, but it was a reality for all of Jeremiah’s 40 years of preaching. I’m certain Jeremiah asked, “Why me?” However, Jeremiah trusted God’s command. Stand on the truth that God is sovereign in your life, allowing things in and working through our sin as well as other’s sin to bring about his plan. God has purposed you to be holy and spotless. An angry spouse or absent spouse is building your holiness and compassion. God is not wasting your pain or stress. For He is comforting you with his comfort daily.
2 Corinthians 1:3–4 [3] “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, [4] who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
Who better to comfort other than those that have received comfort from God.
What if my spouse isn’t fulfilling their role from God?
Perhaps a husband isn’t leading the family to God’s throne or a wife is dominating the leadership of the household. Now, these are extremes, and likely many situations do not fall to one end of the spectrum or the other. Rather, you may find yourself somewhere in between. My encouragement is to look for intentional ways you can serve your spouse and family. What your children need, whether younger or older, is a model of faithfulness, even in the face of disfunction. Remember, it was the faith passed down to Timothy from his mother and grandmother that shaped his life in ministry. Practically, connect with a family who expresses the gender roles well within marriage. Spending time with other believers who are seeking to obey will encourage your faith and teach you pathways to reestablish those roles. It will also provide much needed support.
Ultimately, I often come back to this verse, which provides encouragement for all of us, no matter our circumstance: Psalm 103:13–14 [13] “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. [14] For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.”
God knows that we are sinful and our flesh is at war with us, yet he meets that with compassion as we fear him. He knows we are going to be lazy. He knows that we are prone to forget. This is not a pass to pursue him well, but it is a reminder that God knows you and meets your faith with compassion. Take heart, he has overcome the world.
-Pastor John
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